⚙ EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

Division Personnel Reference Document No. HR-001-REVISED
Effective: Immediately. It was always effective.
Supersedes: All previous editions. All future editions.

§1. Welcome to The Division

Welcome. You have been selected. Selection is not voluntary. Your acceptance of this employment was recorded before the offer was extended, as a formality.

Please read this handbook in its entirety. You will not remember reading it. This is normal. The handbook has been designed to function at a level below conscious retention. You will simply know the rules. You already know the rules. You knew the rules before you were born.

Добро пожаловать. Добро пожаловать. Добро пожаловать. Это ваш третий раз здесь.

§2. Reporting Structure

The Division maintains the following organizational hierarchy:

        ████████████████████████████ (The Director)

           └── ████████████████ (Deputy Director of ████)

                ├── ████████████ (Head of █████████)

                │     └── ██████████████████

                │          └── You

                ├── The Archivist (est. 1847, reports to no one, no one reports to The Archivist)

                └── ████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Your direct supervisor is ████████████. You will recognize them by ████████████████████████. If you are unsure whether you have met your supervisor, you have not met your supervisor. If you are certain you have met your supervisor, you have not met your supervisor.

All personnel report ultimately to The Director. The Director reports to ████████████████████. ████████████████████ has not been briefed. This is not a problem.

§3. Dress Code

Division personnel are expected to maintain a professional appearance at all times, including during non-work hours, including during sleep, including during ████████████.

Category	Policy
REQUIRED:	Business casual. Identification badge must be worn at all times. Badge must face outward. Badge must not be covered. Badge must be acknowledged when it speaks.
DISCOURAGED:	Reflective surfaces of any kind (mirrors, polished metal, still water, glass surfaces, the eyes of ████████). Patterns that repeat at irregular intervals. Clothing that was not there when you put it on.
PROHIBITED:	████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
NOTE:	Avoid reflective surfaces. We cannot stress this enough. There is a reason we cannot stress this enough. The reason is classified. Avoid reflective surfaces.

§4. Work Hours and Attendance

Standard work hours are 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM, Monday through Friday, in whatever timezone is currently applicable to your work location.

Time tracking is handled by ████████████. Discrepancies between recorded hours and experienced hours are normal and should not be reported. Reporting discrepancies will result in additional discrepancies.

Some personnel have reported working hours that do not correspond to hours that exist. This is a known issue. Sublevel C operates on a ██-hour clock. Personnel assigned to Sublevel C should calibrate their watches upon arrival and upon whatever arrival means at that depth.

Overtime is compensated at 1.5x rate for the first ██ hours and at other arrangements thereafter.

§5. Break Room Policy

The Division maintains break room facilities on Levels 1 and 2. Personnel are welcome to use the microwave, refrigerator, and coffee machine. Please label your food. The food will not remember being labeled. Label it anyway.

        IMPORTANT — SUBLEVEL C NOTICE:

        The break room on Sublevel C is not a break room.

        It is not a room.

        Do not take breaks there. Do not go there on breaks. Do not go there.
        If you find yourself there, you did not go there.
        If the door is open, the door is not open.
        If you can smell the coffee from Sublevel C, report immediately to
        ████████████. Do not drink the coffee.
        The coffee is not coffee. The coffee is not coffee.

        Кофейня на Подуровне C — не кофейня. Это — ████████████████████████████████████.

The kitchen on Level 2 is cleaned every Tuesday by ████████████. The kitchen on Level 1 is cleaned every Thursday. Personnel are asked not to ask about the kitchen on Level 1 between Tuesday and Thursday.

§6. Emergency Procedures

6.1 — Fire and Standard Emergencies

In the event of fire, proceed to the nearest exit. Exits are marked with illuminated signage. If the signage is not illuminated, proceed to the second-nearest exit. If neither exit is marked, ████████████████████████████████████████████████. Мuster at the designated assembly point. The assembly point is marked on your orientation map. You were not given an orientation map. This is being corrected.

6.2 — Convergence Events

          In case of convergence event, do not.

          Do not.

          ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

          Do not.

            If you are reading this during a convergence event: this section was supposed to say something else.
            The relevant content has already happened. Proceed to ████.

6.3 — Personnel Not Responding to Name

If a colleague does not respond to their name, try their other name. All Division personnel have an other name. You were briefed on other names during orientation. You do not remember being briefed. This is part of the briefing.

§7. Standards of Conduct

Division personnel are expected to uphold the following standards:

Maintain confidentiality regarding all Division operations, past and future
Do not describe The Director to individuals who have not met The Director
Do not describe The Director to individuals who have met The Director
Do not describe The Director
Refrain from using personally owned recording devices below Level 3
Refrain from using Division-owned recording devices below ████
Report anomalies to your supervisor using Form ██-B
Do not acknowledge anomalies that have not yet been assigned a form number
████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
Be collegial. The Division is a family.

§8. Benefits and Compensation

Benefit	Details
Health Insurance	Comprehensive coverage provided by ████████████████. Coverage includes standard medical, dental, vision, and ████████████████████████████. Pre-existing conditions involving ████████ are excluded.
Vacation Leave	15 days per calendar year, accruing at 1.25 days/month. Unused leave rolls over. Note: Vacation taken in Sublevel C does not accrue at the same rate as vacation taken on standard levels. Conversion formula available from HR upon request. HR will not provide the conversion formula.
Retirement Plan	The Division does not offer a traditional retirement plan. Long-serving personnel transition to ████████████████████████████████████████████████. This is considered a benefit. Personnel who have transitioned describe it as ████████████. Several describe it as peaceful.
Employee of the Month	Selected by The Director. Criteria: ████████████████████████████. Prize: ████████████████████████████████████. The recipient's photo is displayed in the lobby. The lobby does not have photos. The recipient's photo is displayed in the lobby.

§9. Separation from The Division

Employment with The Division may be terminated under the following circumstances:

Voluntary resignation (note: voluntary resignation requires completion of Form ██-W, available from a supervisor you cannot contact)
Retirement (see §8, Benefits)
Termination for cause (cause must be documented; documentation is classified)
████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
You were never employed here. This condition can be applied retroactively.

NOTE: Several former employees have attempted to resign by ceasing to report to work. This is not effective. Employment persists regardless of physical presence. Payroll will continue. The badge will continue to function. The badge will continue to function long after other things have stopped functioning.

§10. Frequently Asked Questions (Employee Edition)

New employees frequently have questions. The following FAQ addresses the most common questions. The FAQ has been pre-populated with questions from employees who have not asked them yet. This is normal. Answer: No.

Q: What floor is my office on?

Your office is on ████. You will find it when it is ready for you. If you have found an office and are not sure it is yours, sit down. If it feels right, it is yours. If it feels wrong, it is also yours.

Q: Why does my badge say a different name?

That is your name. You have always had this name. The name you were using before is still valid for personal correspondence outside the facility. Inside the facility, use the badge name. When interacting with ████████████, use neither name. You will understand why.

Q: I heard sounds coming from behind the wall in the corridor on Level 2. Should I report this?

No. Do not report this. Do not listen to this. Do not remember hearing this. Complete Form ██-C only if the sounds stop.

Q: My predecessor left notes in my desk. Some of the notes seem to be addressed to me by name.

Please submit all notes to the Archive using the inter-office envelope system. Do not read the notes after 3:00 PM. Do not read the notes before 3:00 PM. You may read the notes at 3:00 PM only if today is ████████████. Today is probably not that day. Probably.

Q: The FAQ within this FAQ — is that this FAQ?

This is the FAQ within the FAQ. The FAQ containing this FAQ is also a FAQ within another FAQ. Do not follow this recursively. The FAQ you are looking for is the next one.

NESTED FAQ — QUESTIONS ABOUT QUESTIONS

Q: Why does the FAQ reference itself?

Because all knowledge is recursive. The answer to any question contains within it the seed of the question. The Division operates in the space between the question and its answer. Please stop thinking about this.

Q: Is there a question I should not ask?

Yes. You already asked it. The fact that you are reading this answer confirms you asked it. We cannot tell you what it was. You will know by the response you receive. You have already received the response. Look at your hands.

Q: I have a question not covered by this FAQ.

Submit your question to HR using Form HR-99. Form HR-99 is available from HR. HR is located on ████. HR hours are ████ to ████. HR will respond to your question within a reasonable timeframe. Your question will be added to the FAQ. You will not be credited. Your question is already in the FAQ. You have already read it. Часто задаваемые вопросы отвечают сами на себя. Это не баг. Это особенность.

This handbook supersedes all prior handbooks, verbal agreements, written agreements, implied agreements, and any understanding of your employment that differs from the understanding produced by reading this handbook.

By existing in a facility owned or operated by The Division, you have read, understood, and agreed to all provisions herein.

Добро пожаловать в Отдел. Вы всегда здесь были.

HR-001-REVISED — Edition 47 — Last Updated: Continuously